Feeling it

My heart got a little hurt the last few days – in two separate ways actually – but it’s all good. People get hurt. Life goes on. So when I woke up with a super heavy heart yesterday, I got up and did something normal: I took a run, took a shower and left the house to have a life. I went to a community garden to be with people who are halfway in fairy land, like I am:


Urban paradise…even if it is cold and rainy.


Just talking about gardening since it’s way to cold to do anything but…layers and lots of hot tea is key on these days.

Then I went with one of them to his birthday party, where I met a group of guitar-playing Buddhists. They were all so calm and happy, I felt as if they’d spiked my drink with a muscle relaxer. Watching Peter, the birthday guy, play guitar was just a treat. He makes such funny faces when he plays…he’s so in the moment. Then one of them told me out of the blue (as I was experiencing a moment of pain, which he likely picked up on):

“You know what they say about suffering? You don’t rise above it, you don’t try to get under it. You don’t go around it. You don’t run away from it. You go into it. Really go into the pain and feel it for what it is.”


Improvising after dinner

They were an excellent bunch. I went home feeling happy.

But alas, I woke up again feeling sad again. So I did the most logical thing I could do. I went to work. And thankfully, I had to attend to several things straight away, blessed distractors in the form of indecipherable financial research, like this recent policy paper on:


Never heard the word? According to Wikipedia:

In probability theory, comonotonicity mainly refers to the perfect positive dependence between the components of a random vector, essentially saying that they can be represented as increasing functions of a single random variable. In two dimensions it is also possible to consider perfect negative dependence, which is called countermonotonicity.

I hope this cleared it up for you.

Anyway, since I basically had to just quote the damn thing as it was absolutely impossible to put into layman’s terms, I thought of a picture I could use and suggested it via email to my research colleague, who is responsible for these reports:

shocked man

The title of the paper…no, really.


He responded with an email containing simply “hahahahahaha!!!!”. That made me feel a tad better, having made him giggle in his office.

Then I got this message from my friend:

“If there was one key to happiness in love and life and possibly even success, it would be to go into each conversation you have with this commandment: just listen and be more interested than interesting, more fascinated than fascinating and more adoring than adorable.” -Mark Goulston

I will continue loving. I will continue living presently, in this one beautiful moment. Life is just sometimes achy breaky sucky hearty time. But here I am, in it, beautifully/painfully feeling all the emotions of life.


  1. You brought this to mind which I have written up on the rafters of my bar along with hundreds of other such philosophies on life:
    Happiness comes more from loving than being loved and often when an affection seems wounded it is only our vanity bleeding. To love and be hurt often and to love again – that is the brave and happy life. J.E.Buckrose (via Red)

  2. Oh hun, I am so sorry. Life sucks sometimes, but there are a lot of other things that are beautiful, like being with people, making someone laugh and taking a run. I am glad that you don’t give up on love and you are going strong. You will probably have your heart broken again, but it’s all good,it’s all part of life,and it will lead you to something amazing. You will see.

  3. “Comonotonicity” ? That word is enough to give me brain damage ! 😉

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