I was thinking about my beautiful grandmother this morning. I posted a message on her FB page with lots of hearts and smileys, telling her that I loved her. She helped raise me, since my mother was still very young when I came along. The last time I was back home, we talked about depression and how the stigma has lessened over the years. She told me that she suffered post-partum depression after she had my mother, but that it just wasn’t talked about back then. We talked about loneliness, and how difficult it can sometimes be to maintain a zest for life. She wrapped me in one of her awesome hugs, and we both cried a bit, I guess from the simple fact that we miss each other.
I met a dying man yesterday. When I first saw him, I didn’t see a sick man. I saw a broad-shouldered guy in his early 30’s with thick red hair framing a handsome face. He looked like a perfectly fit, successful businessman. He looked like a strapping sportsman who would kite surf in his free time.
He said that of all the emotions he feels since his diagnoses, the biggest one is gratitude for simply being alive. He feels grateful for every day that he still has the ability to do the simple things. He reminded us to live today, as we never know when it’s going to end.
I was lounging on a bench in town a few days ago, just minding my own business with a coffee and a book. This pretty young woman approached me, asking if she could pray for me. She immediately charmed me, and I told her it was fine. She gently laid her hand on my shoulder and asked Jesus to help me remember that he was there for me. She asked that he help me find peace in the fact that I felt disappointed in people from my past, and that he fill me with his everlasting love. She hugged and thanked me, and as she walked away, I felt this incredible calm come over me. I found it odd that I’d been thinking about that exact thing: acknowledging that I do feel disappointed in people from my past lately, and that not consciously admitting is maybe unhelpful. A brave face is sometimes denial, and sometimes it’s just moving on…I guess it just depends.
I met up with a friend of mine for coffee, a knockout woman with charm, humility and kindness. I adore her, and somehow I feel protective of her, much like a big sister would. She told me that she might break up with her boyfriend, but that she wasn’t sure. It’s been going around and around, and she just doesn’t know if she should stick it out or throw in the towel. I told her that relationships are fucking tough, and that sometimes the freedom we have to walk away leaves us not knowing if we’re being rash and unrealistic about love, or if we’re walking toward something that makes us truly happy. We just have to walk our path and not worry about anyone else’s two cent’s worth. It’s our own path, as confusing as it can be.
I’m reading another Osho book. I’m addicted to the guy, and I know I should just step away, but I can’t. I love his words. He says of the Tao, or the “pathless path”:
“The path has no map. The way is not charted; the way is not such that you can follow somebody and find it. The way is not like a super-highway; the way is more like a bird flying in the sky – it leaves no markers behind. The bird has flown but no marks are left; nobody can follow. So the way is a pathless path. It is a path, but it is a pathless path. It is not ready-made, available; you cannot just decide to walk on it, you will have to find it. And you will find it in your own way, nobody else’s way is going to function.”
I was feeling stuffed up this morning. My cat slept on my hair again, and I’m allergic to cats. I took a really hot shower to clear the fogginess, I when I got out, I turned up Daft Punk and danced in the bathroom. Dancing is a god-send and a great way to start the day. Now, I’m going to Amsterdam to run with a friend. He told me this blog inspired him, which makes me feel happy.
I know it sounds corny (I know this blog is sappy), but…
we are alive. I’ll do my best to not lose sight of that, if you promise to do the same.
Have a great Sunday, lovely people who are reading this!!!!!
p.s. if you feel like dancing to a great song, here it is.
Related post: Just dance