I give myself exactly thirty minutes to say this. Then I publish. Screw it.
I woke up thinking a lot about stuff, as I tend to do these days. I’m a thinker. No – I’m an over-thinker. I think until I drive myself crazy, and then I think some more. My mother said she could tell I was a little philosopher from the time I could form words.
It’s all good to be a deep thinker, but when you don’t have the confidence to just say what’s on your mind, it can get pretty irritating to be in your own skin.
I stopped working at the end of last year. I’ve been working my ass off for the last several years, and I welcomed this time as a hiatus and a time to switch gears. I thought blogging would be a nice thing to do during this time, but as it turns out, not having to dress up and put makeup on has left me hanging out in the darker corners of my mind.
I never really knew I could be a jealous person until I started blogging. I read funny bloggers – and I know I’m not funny in writing. I read honest bloggers – and I can’t seem to summon the courage they have to tell you how I really feel. I read bloggers that are sweet and have a pure life comparatively, and I know that I’m sweet too, but that I’ve also struggled with a fair amount of shit, and that’s the part of me that wants to come forth. I had a rocky childhood, and I’ve struggled with sadness for a very long time. In fact, I don’t really remember a time that I wasn’t just struggling with myself. I’m leery of whining about things in the past. I always told myself that it’s useless, and in a way, I think it is.
I had some time on my hands yesterday, as the unemployed do, and I got caught up in JennaMarbles videos. Girl is hilarious. People love her because she’s no one but herself. She’s also managed to not become a caricature of herself after becoming famous, and that is a quality I truly admire. I think most people can’t handle fame. They can’t handle all the hangers on, and they implode. They create a situation, whether consciously or unconsciously, that destroys everything they’ve built for themselves. They come crashing back down to that same person they were before they were famous, and it’s often a very needy person – a person that thrives off the attention and validation of others.
So, I started this blog to shed the very hard, crusty happy-person shell that inhibits me from feeling truly free. All those people that talk of anxiety…they often don’t say why. Some think it’s a chemical condition, but I would venture to say it’s because we’re taught to not trust ourselves. We’re taught to not say this and act that way – all for approval from other people and outdated institutions.
I’m so TIRED of seeking approval from others. I really didn’t think I was these past few years, but I am. I’m still trying to make everyone around me happy, and then I get the bright idea of trying to get approval online with people who don’t even know me. They don’t know my laugh, my smile, or my ability to listen and help others see the beauty in themselves. I try to reveal myself through words, but I’m not always good at it. It’s because I’m afraid, people. I’m so darned afraid of what you’ll think of me.
I felt the need to write this blog within thirty minutes, without big or funny words, because I’m the person that sits there until three in the morning editing my shit. It’s crazy – who am I doing it for?
I do love writing and blogging, but something has got to shift, or I need to stop doing it. My favorite blogger to date is Opinionated Man. He’s unassuming, he’s smart, and he blogs just as it comes to him. That’s what I want to do. I want it to come from a real source. Not my ego that thinks things to death and whispers doubt into my heart.
I’ve just hit my 100th post. I don’t have a ton of followers, and I don’t promote myself at all. I don’t Twitter, I don’t have a Facebook page, and most of my friends and family don’t even know I blog. The next posts are going to be how I really, REALLY feel. And some of them will probably will still be tried and trite, admittedly.
Blogging for me was a way to break out. It still is. I was good for awhile, but then real people with thinking minds started following me. And I cowered.
To all of you following me, thanks for reading my rant. Perhaps you see yourself in this, and perhaps you don’t. Either way, it’s ok.
Ok, I’m within my time frame.