Gosh darn I feel happy tonight.
I had dinner with my mom and Aunt Lori, and then I came home and watched Eat, Pray Love with my mother, who has a terrible cold. I made her tea and fed her a little wine to help her sleep.
I’ve been feeling a sense of contentment these last three weeks. I came home to Iowa in a dumb stupor of sadness, feeling sort of like a buoy lost at sea. But with a little childhood love from my three nephews, an earthly chat with my childhood best friend, and ample time with my mother (in my eyes the most wonderful human being on the planet), I sit here with a little misty-eyed smile.
I feel happy. By god, I feel truly happy.
That’s not to say my States-side getaway has been devoid of its bumps. As I pump my thighs up a hill on my brother’s mountain bike in search for the perfect coffee shop to read and relax, I’m plagued with the comment I made on someone’s blog about this or that. Do they agree with me? Do they think I’m a stupid woman? Did that email I send to my friend leave him feeling peeved at my bold opinions regarding his life choices around love and relationships?
I worry. I wonder if I should just give up sharing anything and just keep to myself.
I’ve been re-reading a book I read several years ago regarding the law of attraction, and in it, I read the following:
“Most of you Physical Beings do not trust yourselves, which is amazing to us, for that which comes forth from within you is all that you may trust. But instead, you are spending most of your physical lifetimes seeking a set of rules or a group of people who will tell you what is right and what is wrong. And then you spend the rest of your physical experience trying to hammer your ‘square peg’ into someone else’s ’round hole’, trying to make those old rules – usually those that were written thousands of years before your time – fit into this new life experience.”
I want to say right here and right now that I am not funny. I am not witty. I am not always smart and clever, and I will not always say those exact right things that will make those people I so admire; those people I so want affection and love from; agree with me and shower me with affection.
I want to be a true human being. Not because I want fame and attention, but because I want happiness. I want to evolve, which I believe is my point here on Earth- to learn, to create something in this physical life, and ultimately, to create love, the most divine thing that I know of.
I read in that same book:
“If there are others who see something in you that they do not approve of, most often you see their disapproval reflected back through their eyes, and you feel that you have gone wrong in some way. And we say unto you, it is not your lack, it is theirs. It is their inability to be the allower that brings forth their negative emotion; it is not your imperfection. And in like fashion, when you feel negative emotion because you have seen something in others that you do not want to see, it is not their lack, it is your own.”
I will create and love the best way I know how. And I do want your love. And I do want your attention and your approval. But ultimately, I have to realize that I am creating my own reality, and you are creating yours. And if we can come together in a dance of learning, whether it be good-feeling or uncomfortable, we are creating an evolutionary path, nonetheless.
We are imperfect, divine creators of our existence. And as Martha Stewart would say, that is very perfect.