For those of you reading my blog regularly, it’s clear that I’ve been having a hard time dealing. It’s difficult to admit when you’re feeling blue, but I hope my honesty helps someone else out there.
Lately it’s been an effort to really smile. Just yesterday, a colleague approached me to see about some lost archives in my email, and when I looked up, he took a step back. I think he thought I wanted to kill him, and to be fair, I probably did.
One day recently, everything came together in my mind, when it hit me that all the distractions I’ve created in my life have been an avoidance of my own chronic case of the blues. I’ve been avoiding a pink polka-dotted elephant in the room. I’ve been running like hell from the fact that I’m deeply anxious about a lot of things.
It’s the sort of sadness and anxiety that won’t go away but will take a back seat now and again. It’s only to get a breather, though, so it can start afresh with draining my energy out through my belly button. I shouldn’t ignore it any longer.
I’ve been reading a book by Ruby Wax about her experiences in depression, and she mentions mindfulness as a way to ease it all, in other words the ability to observe the mind through an unattached lens. It’s that trick of pretending your thoughts are clouds just passing through your mind, and some of them are puffy and harmless and some of them are full of lightning that will electrocute you and turn your toenails black.
I know how to meditate, and I was doing it daily for a long time, but then I just stopped. I need to get out of this hole I’m in, and that’s the way to do it. I’m not taking antidepressants to solve the problem. There are other ways.