When you’re on your own

The gate


“One thing: you have to walk, and you have to create the way by your walking. You will not find a ready-made path. It is not so cheap, to reach to the ultimate realization of truth. You will have to create the path by walking yourself; the path is not ready-made, laying there and waiting for you. It is just like the sky: the birds fly, but they don’t leave any footprints. You cannot follow them; there are no footprints left behind.” 


Insomnia has had me in a death grip the last few nights.  I squeezed Visine into my bloodshot eyes before work this morning, but I’m still a pale and shadowy remnant of myself. There’s just no faking it when you’re in the midst of heart-wrenching change. I’m just trying not to BE the feeling of my gut eating itself alive.

I’ve hit a crossroad: my time as wife has come to a bitter-sweet finale, my career path may soon shift beneath me, and I live in a country that is not my own.  It may be that I have too few attachments to stay; that life may be calling me to another adventure in another place.

Lately, I’ve been recalling a time when I was young and shiny, and I hadn’t mucked up my ‘perfect’ life yet. I was spoiled, too.

My past has settled into my eyes these days, and I’ve just got to absorb the decisions I’ve made into my being. I guess that’s called growing up. We have to make tough, scary choices if we truly want to live, and we can’t always make the ‘right’ ones. I am ready to let go of my past mistakes, be they mistakes or not, and revel in the opportunities that now lay before me.

I read once that it’s not so much that people are afraid of what they aren’t capable of, so much as they’re afraid of what they are capable of. I won’t forget that.

Embrace your freedom in whatever form it presents itself to you…even if it’s wrapped in damned scary. 


  1. Perhaps freedom is a bit of an illusion, and life in a sense is a matter of finding or making a prison that we are at peace in. Supreme best wishes while you are “on the run” from the law. ❤ (Just figured out how to do that. Comes with being a little old.)

    • Thanks for your thought, 1965. It reminds me of a quote from the 90’s movie How to Make an American Quilt: “Young lovers seek perfection. Old lovers learn the art of sewing shreds together and of seeing beauty in a multiplicity of patches.” Freedom is in the mind, it doesn’t matter where you are or who you’re with, indeed.

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