A few years back, I had some blood work done to figure out why I was always feeling so tired. After the blood guy pricked my finger, he had me do a few physical movements to test my energy levels. I don’t remember what exactly occurred to create his conclusion, but I’ll never forget that he said (while pointing at my belly):
“You’re allowing your life energy to leak out of you.”
That’s why I met him. Not for the blood work, but for this one, simple statement. I knew he was right, because I could feel it.
…I had become hideously bored months previous to that day, but I refused to change anything, really. Instead, I began a secret love life to fend off what was looking to be more and more like plain old-fashioned sadness with the life I had created, sending me into a spiral of ‘bliss’ and ‘guilt’, onward toward the epicenter of blinding depression. I flung myself between the two like a baby tossed back and forth in a swimming pool, holding my breath midair and laughing in hysterical relief when I safely landed into the arms of one or the other. I broke myself down hardcore.
I fought for a safe return to my bubbly cheerleader self, struggling with my own habitual patterns, as remedy. I read books on spirituality. I attended yoga weekends and became certified in energy healing. I took a seminar on gaining financial freedom and went on silent meditation retreats. After refusing for years, I dragged myself to a therapist to deal with a remnant, childhood trauma.
Still, I tried to contain what was really happening inside of me.
“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”*
All the above helped me to where I am now, but I continued to suffer and block what was trying to come into my life. So I finally resorted to telling the truth. I began sharing my deepest feelings with my husband and friends, as much as I feared their retribution or rejection. I started walking up to the mirror, looking into my own eyes and saying simply, “fuck it”. So I’ve made some mistakes and missteps. Fuck it.
Some people have a bucket lists, but I have a fuck-it list. This list contains all those things about myself I wanted to hide away under my shiny facade. When I wrote them down (and started admitting them to my loved ones) they lost some of their power over me.
Flowing downstream as a way to catch energy
I once read this book that described life in the analogy of a person flowing down a river. Some people struggle upstream their whole lives, no doubt swallowing gulps of water and nearly drowning, dragging themselves to the safety of shore in complete physical exhaustion. Others get a handy little canoe and flow downstream. I do have certain principles, and I’m not saying I’m just going to relax into all of my desires, but I’m done with the struggle of trying to be what someone else told me I ought to be. That someone was even me sometimes, in a different time. Times change. Energy is in a constant flow. It freezes in matter, but matter is also impermanent. Everything is impermanent. A river is never “a” river. It’s just a name for a place of constant change.
How I catch and store my own energy these days
My canoe is going downstream now, but I still occasionally catch myself trying to furiously paddle back up. That being said, I’ve recognized ways to stop struggling and let life flow. I hope these might help some of you that are also struggling against life’s powerful energy force.
- Honest chats, journaling and blogging: Just say it. Life doesn’t care about words. Life cares about the emotions behind those words. Say it like it is.
- Laughter: grab the funniest friend you’ve got, walk down the street and laugh at yourself and others till you’re doubled over drooling and nearly peeing yourself. Laughter is one of life’s greatest therapies and intrinsic joys.
- Meditation: there is so much to be said about conscious awareness. There is a life force (torsion fields, the force, whatever you want to call it). When we sit our butts down on a pillow and observe our minds, the energy will start to flow through us. There is a lot of science behind it, and I encourage every single human being on this planet to at least try it out or do some research on its benefits. Get help learning how, as it can be tough to lasso down the chatty, back-flipping ego.
- Take societal values at face value: remember back in the old days when slavery was acceptable? When women were considered property? We think we were crazy then, but what makes us so sane today? Society holds on to the most ridiculous habits. That doesn’t mean we have to.
- Follow joy: many of us are free, thank God. Let’s not shackle ourselves up because we think we “ought” to do this or that. Go after that other career you want. Engage in beneficial relationships (don’t waste your energy on people that suck it from you).
- Take care of the vessel: eat well and play well.
- Be creative: draw, dance, play an instrument. Creativity raises our vibration and helps us tap into our true selves. I think so, anyway.
- Get out in nature: nature is a perfect example of flow. Plants and ecosystems do it, so naturally. Join it, and you may just become a little bit more like it.
Permaculture principles are a particular ways of thinking when developing a project or solving a problem. They’re based on three ethics: care for the earth, care for people, and fair share. I’ve already written about principle 1, observe and interact.