Bla bla bla bla…I am the light.

“It takes courage to deeply look at ourselves, but we can’t have real freedom and peace until we do. That’s why we want to be careful not to overemphasize a quick and easy trip to happiness. Enlightenment gets us to joy, but not immediately. First we must face the sorrow that stands in front of it.”

-Marrianne Williamson, The Shadow Effect

Sometimes we waste time. Sometimes we sacrifice happiness because we can’t leave our comfortable lives. For a long time, I wasted time thinking about what another life could be like. I daydreamed that if I could only be in that life, everything would fall into place. Then I realised how much time I wasted with my head in a fantasy.

Hmmm…now I’m thinking that through all of my paranoia around being a genuine person and my fear of avoiding true love, etc., maybe just maybe I DO know what’s best for me. Maybe I know that running off to whatever pleases me at that moment is just burying that crap I need to address further under. Maybe Marianne is right.

Maybe….

I went to a colon hydro-therapist today and she asked me a million questions about my health and mental state. After about 90 minutes, she pointed out that throughout my life, I’m vehemently controlling things and striving to be better and better and better and better. Maybe it’s time to just let go, she said.

Hahahaha what I fool I feel….what a luxury problem to sit around and worry about such things. There is war raging and people starving around the world.

Hmmm…OR, maybe I’m afraid of being truly successful and thwart any attempt of my soul to be its spectacular self. Now there is another mind nugget to ponder….Williamson says:

“It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us….we realise that our problem, if we’re honest with ourselves, is not so much that we are imprisoned by the shadow, but that we avoid the light. We actively resist the emergence into our better self. And as long as we don’t deal with that, then the pattern of avoidance goes unquestioned and unchallenged. The only way to escape the shadow is to outgrow it, to drop it like the set of old and outworn clothing that it is, and become the spiritual giants we are intended to be.”

Well I can easily get rid of last year’s wardrobe. My mother had to go through my garbage as a child for fear that I had again thrown away valuables like money and babysitter checks. But throw away mental patterns? Whoa horsy. These spiritual authors really chap my hide….just tell me already what I am supposed to be: mindfully conscientious of my own healing or brazenly brave and heart-centered. The whole JUST DO IT sort of thing or let’s think about what habits we’re perpetuating sort of mentality.

Maybe I should just QUIT thinking, stop reading, stop pondering and just be for awhile. Blogger Kristen Lamb takes an interesting perspective on quitting. I need to figure out what in my life I should quit trying to do over, and over, and over……

I will come somewhere in the middle: I will use my mind to assess what patterns I may be subconciously following, but I will listen very closely to my heart and slowly find my way to courage and heart-living. This is my definition of success. I think the main thing is that in all of my craziness, in all of my yearning and searching for the truth, I am the light, and I’m not going to be afraid of it anymore.

I end with an inspiring video of Life Coach Michael Thomas:

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