Openness

Married on a beautiful, sunny day: May 2006

“Most of the limitations on what is defined as ‘acceptable’ human behaviour are mostly not even decided by the generations subjected to those limitations. We inherit them.”

– David Icke

You might think from the title of this post that I’m into open relationships, but I’m not. I did purchase two books on the topic a few years back and boldly read them in bed, and I’m not against it as a principle. But looking back, I was shopping for an affair because I was lonely and just didn’t realise it. I’m scared shitless to admit it, but I’m pretty sure it’s the truth. I don’t want to be in love with more than one person. It just happened, and I didn’t stop it.

Yesterday enveloped me in severe discomfort. My partner is experiencing what seems to be a flower bud of new love, so it’s a total role reversal: the whole wonderfulness of meeting someone new and feeling special; where everything you do is adorable and the high just keeps swelling until it bursts in a fit of passion. I’ve been there, and within the spectrum of monogamy it’s the most heart tattering experience to speak of. If you want to rip your own heart out and do a deliciously tragic dance on it, then start an affair.

I am finally getting to a point where I am not in the thick of my own, hysterical emotions. I can have a peek over them now, like a wild garden that has been whacked down to reveal the sobering stone walls that contain it. The dishonesty has reached it’s end, and I am relieved but still smarting from my former dishonesty. And I will admit fully that I hurt my husband. He never deserved that, ever. Could it be that this whole love fiasco helped us come closer together, that we understand more and more each day the things we need from each other? I don’t know but jeez it sure does feel like it lately.

I have decided that I will not force him to choose. It’s difficult to say the least, because I have an ego and I want to be that one person he really wants, REALLY wants (all I ever wanted). But I backed him into a corner for so long that I can’t expect him to be or do anything other than what he feels will lead him to happiness. Above all, I want him to be happy. That is the only way I can ever be happy with him. And if he’s happy without me, then I will have to find a way to be happy without him, too.

I loved two men. It’s possible and the idea that we are supposed to love one person at a time, all the time, is not always realistic. It happens, and that simple fact means that it’s natural element of the human condition. Our hearts don’t lie, and we ought to listen to why they are showing us a certain path (watch out for that trickster Ego though). I don’t care what society says anymore. Most of the rules on monogamy are ancient anyway. We don’t enforce slavery, beating of wives or any of that other nonsense that was perfectly acceptable back in the day, so what (more minor) constricting practices do we enforce today that we will someday see as stifling to the human spirit? Surely we are not completely evolved. We have a way to go and possessing another person exclusively could very well be one of those things we look back upon and say wow, what a fear tactic that was!

That being said: I am still a product of my own development, and I’ve decided I will honour my husband exclusively because it feels right to me, right now. I am doing it because I want to, not because I said I would years ago when he put a ring on it.

One comment

  1. That was a very open and honest post. Well done. 🙂

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