I’m reading a book by David Icke on healing the world. You can find most of his books within the conspiracy theory genre, but this little gem is a guide to bringing about world transformation through realising truth in our own lives. While waiting for the train this morning, I was immersed in his idea that the human race needs to break free of outdated rules if we want to save this planet (or save our plundering asses from the wrath of mother earth).
To illustrate our blind devotion to nonsense rules, he described a woman that cut the corners off her ham before preparing it, as her mother had done. When asked why she did this, she called her mother, who replied it was because her pan had been too small.
I’ve been contemplating the rules of marriage since mine is rather in dire straights. The vows that come with marriage encompass a very big rule that we DO think very long and hard about (or don’t). My husband and I met 7 years ago on a drunken, post-Amsterdam evening. I remember hugging him in my stupor, and smelling that he felt safe to me, like a super hot protector. The next morning, on my way back to the Czech Republic where I was teaching at the time, I just knew I would marry him. I just new…Since then it’s been ups and downs, and the last few years have not been peachy at all. I’ve put him through relationship hell, and neither of us would get the “keeping the romance alive” award if there was one. We’re decidedly great partners for the practical things in life, we respect and love each other deeply, but we struggle at connecting. It’s the challenge of a lifetime.
When we struggle for an extended period of time to make something work, we should ask why it’s such a struggle. Is it because we’re trying to stick a round peg in a square slot? Is it because the effort’s end goal is outdated and no longer relevant to our own evolution? Or is it because we are following a rule and no matter what, we intend to honour that rule, gosh darn it?
A common quote comes to mind: “When all else fails, try, try again.” Stories abound of people’s perseverance to make something work and eventually, after such determination, they succeed, standing triumphantly atop all of their previous attempts. But if you look at the fine print of these success stories, you see that it wasn’t the same thing tried over and over again, but the attempt was tweaked each time. So the “rules” for accomplishing what they wanted were bent, twisted, molded, and eh-hem, broken.
Is that how we should work at our relationships: to break the rules? And by the way, what the heck does it mean to “work” on your relationship…I can’t figure this one out to save my life, and I KNOW for a fact it doesn’t mean going to a counselor and whining about how my husband doesn’t make me feel “special”. Recent studies suggest that traditional marriage counseling doesn’t help, and to the contrary, expedites the divorce process. Can’t remember where I read that but I believe it.
Coming back to the book: David says we need to find a radically different way of doing things. To me, this means that we need to firstly determine what rules we are following when we try something, and if those rules really make an iota of sense in the first place. When most of us get married, we have the idea that we are making a promise to honour the person we’re marrying through thick and thin; through better and worse. But what that really means is that we must find new ways of loving each other, as we’re evolving constantly and that requires that we make new rules for how to accomplish our end goal: to love and to cherish.
But to stay in a marriage because we made a promise at some point in our history seems, in this day and age, the most ill-advised advice we’re given. We change our shoes, our clothes, our jobs and houses, etc. So why is it so emotionally fatal to change partners?
“Experts” say that divorce takes an average of 5 years off your life, and I suspect it’s due to the anguish caused largely by the fact that we broke a big fat rule and should be ashamed for it.
My partner and I are hanging on for dear life. While we know we love each other in a way that no new romance could ever compare to, we also know we are trained from birth to follow this most sacred rule that we promised to honour: ’til death do us part. That being said, this rule should be made to be broken at a certain point. If you spend years trying to be happy and just can’t seem to get it, at some point you should cut your losses and allow each other a little happiness in this life (with someone else). Love hurts. Love hurts big time.
We are going away together to take a little break from recent events, and I don’t know what will happen. We’ve taken off our archetype garments of husband and wife as of late. Our wedding rings are in a small bowl in our junk drawer of all places. We are standing there, symbolically naked in front of each other as human beings with a need to be deeply loved and cherished. I know some people would wonder how this state of confusion could endure for so long, but it has and it will for as long as the two of us need it to. Something’s gotta give, and it will.
I just want to take this moment to say: I married one of the best men on this planet, hands down. He’s loving, honest, brave, thoughtful in a manly sort of way, funny as hell, and hot as all hell. He has more integrity than I know what to do with. I want to thank him for all he has given me right here, right now. I love you, Richard.