It’s the morning of day four. I feel foggy but relaxed, kind of how you feel after you recover from a flu. There was a bit of “thump-thumping” going on in various organs earlier, so I hope that they are doing some serious house cleaning!
I’m more mentally grounded than I was the first three days, mainly because both the physical and psychological hunger is taking a cat nap. I assume the idea of eating will haunt me a bit later today, so I’ll just enjoy the moment while I can.
So why did I really decide to fast?
I did briefly highlight why I’m embarking upon this food-less journey in my first post, but here is the extended version:
I’m fasting because I’m tired of being a victim of my own life and these 5 days are a small part of my 1,000 piece get-better puzzle. I’m assembling it slowly and with steadfast patience. I’m tired of being ruled by things I know I have to overcome to find consistent peace. I am not in a state of consistent peace in my life right now. I know I have created unhealthy habits to deal with this lack, which implies my mind and body need soothing. Hence the fast.
This morning I opened an email inviting me to join an online seminar on the evolution of one’s spirit. Curious (I am a sucker for courses on anything spiritual) I read it and sent it to a friend. He replied that I already knew this, and asked why I have to hear things “over and over” in order to acknowledge the lesson. This is why:
I dealt some negative stuff in my childhood; years of stress that affected my sense of harmony with life. Once I was released of that ongoing crisis at 14, my young mind had no place to put it all, I think.
I created an intensely busy lifestyle in high school and college. I studied full time and worked two jobs, leaving myself not a single day in the week to rest. After graduating and taking a rather quiet job in a non-profit, I got bored and whisked myself off into culture shock by moving to the Czech Republic and then two years later to the Netherlands.
I never had a chance in hell to deal with these pinned-up emotions. They were so pinned up, in fact, that I didn’t even know they were there. To compound the resistance to heal, right when my life entered some sort of normalcy, I had an affair which brought an insane amount of stress and anguish (but also a great deal of healing and self-realisation). I was the most dishonest person I knew, and I felt terrible and mixed up about my entire life. I was especially devastated at the realisation that I could consciously and continuously betray, something I will have to absorb into my being and eventually forgive.
I spoke with my husband about this the other night. We reluctantly acknowledged that this experience was a blessing of sorts, not only for the lessons learned on both sides, but also the healing that occured within me through explosive self-exposure. Affairs are seen as such a terrible thing, and clearly they are the ultimate betrayal of trust and the most selfish way to hurt your partner. But if we strip away all of the deceit and pain, its just a need to find love. We all want to be loved in the way we need it, and we will search for it and sacrifice a lot to get it. This person healed me on many levels and showed me my own beauty. Some people get self-love from living in honesty, integrity, and dignity. At that point in my life, I lacked self-love for reasons I’m still discovering, and I found it in someone else without having the balls to make the necessary life-changes to really heal. Some good does come from bad. I’m just so sorry I hurt those I love along the way.
Through the trauma of all of this, I was forced to look very deep within, to try to locate this crusty old pain and make sense of it all. It’s like cleaning the house of some pack-rat that hasn’t cleaned in years. It’s throwing out a shit-load of useless, nasty junk, then further reducing the clutter, then finally wiping down the grimy walls and floors. It takes a lot of time and effort, and I’m still in the clutter phase.
It took me years to build up this mental gunk in my mind and body, and all the while I was eating the most crazy-ass modified, pasteurised, processed, franken-food I could get my hands on. This is not to mention being quite the party girl throughout my 20’s and into my early 30’s. I consumed enough beer in the Czech Republic to get a small village drunk for at least week straight.
To bring it back to topic: A 5-day fast is a symbolic gesture to get my act cleaned up. And while I have read countless (really countless) books on spirituality and self-help, listened to who knows how many pod-casts, joined seminars, etc., I will continue to do so until my heart tells me to stop. I trust my heart in this journey, and it’s an ongoing journey. It’s not over. Not even close.
One day I will shine as brightly as I should, and I will deserve it (yes I know I already do but I don’t FEEL that yet). That shininess will be in THIS life, by God. Until then, I will fast, take whacky courses, eat crazy raw food concoctions, and generally do whatever it takes to heal myself.
Love abounds in me. I have to reveal it to myself. I know you know. I know you know I know.
Video thoughts on my fast below.